Still waiting for the pat on the head

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Most of us were raised on a steady diet of gold stars, merit systems, award certificates, badges and maybe even a princess castle progression chart. 

It felt good to be recognised!  It still does, of course.  But while those tokens might have felt encouraging, they also taught us to tie our self-worth to external achievements.  And when your value is tied to external validation, it gets harder and harder to choose the work that doesn’t offer instant praise—even when that’s the work that actually matters.

And who do you think is most fucked of all with this? Academic women of course, those of us who have been the most A* our entire lives at every level of education .

The big problem is that this behaviour brings immediate rewards in modern academia—not where you might expect, in world-changing research (the ultimate school prize), but in the instant gratification of helping a student, turning around a task quickly for your PS colleague, or immediately replying to the panel you agreed to join that's now emailing and WhatsApping round the clock.

This comes from a good place. It feels nice to be helpful and do the right thing. But then we don’t make time for our research, because we think that only benefits us—and there’s no immediate feedback. It can take five years from submission to finding out whether anyone has even read your paper and is citing it. But if you reply to that email now, your PS colleague is happy. You feel good straight away if you meet with the struggling student knocking on your door during your research hour. And you avoid the discomfort of guilt by just saying yes to the next request in your inbox.

So, imagine growing up where every achievement came with a shiny sticker or a gold star. Psychologists warn that these well-meaning rewards—star charts, merit certificates, princess charts—can teach us to chase applause instead of genuine curiosity.

In Punished by Rewards (1993), Alfie Kohn shows that external incentives often erode intrinsic motivation, turning learning into a transaction rather than an exploration. In her famous work, Carol Dweck (2006) demonstrated that praise for being “smart” or “good” fosters a fixed mindset, so children avoid challenges that might threaten their identity as achievers. Left unchecked, this evolves into socially prescribed perfectionism—the belief that our worth depends on meeting others’ standards (Hewitt & Flett, 1991).

In academia, the effect is turbocharged: instant praise for teaching or committee service arrives far quicker than recognition for long-term research, making it all too easy to prioritise tasks that deliver immediate gratification over the work that truly advances knowledge. No wonder so many academic women find it hard to carve out guilt-free time for their own projects.

Often when clients come to me for coaching, they think a better time management technique will solve everything.  A new app, notepad or system.  But the issue isn’t how they manage their time—many are already hyper-efficient. The real problem is they feel guilty about creating space and time for themselves. 

When you learn the process for taking back control of your time, creating space for deep work, and mastering boundaries with emotional resilience, you’ll finally move your research forward—with clarity, calm and without the guilt. No more relying on willpower alone or juggling ten priorities in your head.

You’ll start seeing steady, confident progress through your research pipeline. You’ll feel secure in your standing as a thought leader, and you’ll stop waking up at 3am worrying about what you’ve forgotten. Most importantly, you’ll build a sustainable academic career—one that leaves a legacy without costing you your health, your relationships or your peace.

If you’re ready to make a change, I’m taking on some new 1:1 clients this summer.   Book in a consultation call to see if you’d be a good fit for coaching.  It’s free and totally no obligation.  Book here: https://tidycal.com/danielleturton/consultation.


REFERENCES

Kohn, Alfie. Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise, and Other Bribes. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1993. www.mv.helsinki.fi/home/hotulain/Punished.pdf

Dweck, Carol S. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Random House, 2006. https://adrvantage.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/Mindset-The-New-Psychology-of-Success-Dweck.pdf

Hewitt, Paul L., and Gordon L. Flett. “Perfectionism in the Self and Social Contexts: Conceptualization, Assessment, and Association with Psychopathology.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 60, no. 3 (1991): 456–70. https://hewittlab.sites.olt.ubc.ca/files/2014/11/MPS.pdf

Deci, Edward L., and Richard M. Ryan. Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior. New York: Plenum, 1985. https://www.academia.edu/116848922/Intrinsic_Motivation_and_Self_Determination_in_Human_Behavior

Neff, Kristin D. “The Development and Validation of a Scale to Measure Self-Compassion.” Self and Identity 2, no. 3 (2003): 223–50. https://bpb-us-e1.wpmucdn.com/websites.uta.edu/dist/1/4994/files/2021/07/Development-and-Validation-of-a-Scale-to-Measure-Self-Compassion.-Neff.pdf


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